I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
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The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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