atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
