how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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