i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
the liver wants what the liver wants
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
