did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
