I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
