She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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