his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
