I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize