Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
