dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
BRING THE BAGELS
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
