Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
