When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
