You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
