i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A+ Viking dick
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
