so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
