my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
