She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She bit a glass in half.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
