Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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