my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh god it's open bar.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
