so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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