Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
