You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize