is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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