im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
