There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
