There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
