I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
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i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life