my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
