WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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