I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
