a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
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You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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