Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
