When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
