last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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