im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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