Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize