hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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