I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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