Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
