Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
