take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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