i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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