we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
