I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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