He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
