I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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