was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
