i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
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found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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