now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
