Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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