How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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