So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
