you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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