But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
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There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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